Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Why now?

Afternoon all,
So why now?  Today is the first day of the rest of our lives.  I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for years.  Now at age 35, I am starting to see my true colors, my true purpose, and the light that is within all of us.  But my journey hasn't been easy and I continue to struggle.  Luckily, with the help of therapists, healing and meditation masters, and the infusion of lifestyle practices, I am learning how to live my life.  Now I want to share my experience with others in an effort to help them (YOU) through anecdotal learning opportunities.  So join me on this adventure.

Today's experience was no different than many that have happened in the past.  Through my own healing journey, I've learned how to identify what I'm feeling and learned coping mechanisms.  My 'attack' actually started showing signs several days ago (as it usually does, I just started learning to identify symptoms earlier.)  It started with two consecutive nights of nightmares, night sweats, and finally abruptly waking mid-night and left with insomnia.  After 2 days of no restful sleep, my physical body began to feel the affects.  I have aches and pains all over, a constant headache, and a bout of constipation.  Hmm...and you wonder what else could go wrong?

Last night the depression reared its heavy head.  I held back, what felt like arbitrary tears, in front of my daughter and husband.  I often struggle with hiding my experiences from them as to save them from unnecessary pain.  Then this morning I awoke to the same emotional hindrance.  As usual, I tried to push the experience behind me and move forward with my daily routine.  I went to work and tried to change my thought-pattern.  I'm a high school teacher and this setting can prove trying on a sensitive individual.  My students were great (they seem to sense my being on these types of days and show a bit of empathy- an impressive task for teenagers).  A they did their work, I maintained my composure but I was unable to keep the emotional facade up.  I called in for a substitute and left before the day was done.

Once I was out of the school and freed to my own experiences, I broke down.  The sun was shining brightly, the sky blue with a few scattered white puffy clouds and I began to sob.  I felt so sad for the woman inside of me that was so overwhelmed and deflated and in need of solitude.  I drove myself home, sobbing and screaming, both in udder confusion and shear pain.  Embarrassment was also with me as I heard my mind's chatter question my senility.  As the hysterics subsided, I calmed myself down.  And here I am.

So why does this happen?  Idealists like myself are always asking why.  Yet, there may never be an answer for why.  What I do know is that if you experience episodes like the one described above, the first and most important task is to take care of oneself.  Going home from work on a day like today is the least I could do for myself.  Once home, I started regrouping with a simple nature meditation.  Putting myself out in the sun, surrounded by nature's energy and beauty, I took about 5 minutes to sit and clear my mind.  I breathed in with love and out with peace.  I watched the dogs frolic in the meadow. Then I ate a high protein lunch and treated myself to a small piece of TIRAMISU (In Italian this translates to 'pick me up'.)  I finished my self-healing experience by journaling the morning's events.

Is there a way to avoid this?  I don't have that answer and I don't intend to work towards one.  Instead I continue to develop my self-awareness.  As a highly sensitive person (HSP) there are times when I am in tune to outside energies and therefore at a higher risk for melt downs.  What I'd like to open the discussion up to is this:  how can we, as HSP, live productive, satisfying lives?